Working on it....

hey all so, my last post was really positive and this one may get a little negative at points. 'Charlie' didn't really work out how I planned.
 So two weeks ago I get a text from him asking if I would be interested in going on a weekend trip up to Utah with him and two of our guy friends. I thought about it for a few minutes and it was pretty easy to say yes. :) I really wanted to spend more time with him and ya his two guy friends would be there, but I would get to know him better and maybe something would come of it. So during the week we are planning this all out, we stayed with his aunt, we got tickets to go to General Conference and it was looking like it was going to be a wonderful weekend. I was super excited. We had fun on the trip and I was thinking that maybe we were a little closer than before.
                    -okay so a side note before the end of the story, I have never held a guys hand for real. In choir we would hold hands and sing a song at the end of every concert, and I held a guys hand to help him not be scared to give blood, but NEITHER of those really count. It has to be mutual on both sides of the hands....-- okay back to the story

So I'd been wanting to hold 'charlie's hand for the whole weekend. We would sit next to each other for two hour segments and we were always together. I could have tried multiple times but never had the courage to. So Sunday afternoon we start the 12 hour drive home and we are both sitting in the back seat (Yay, maybe I'll have the courage to hold his hand.) after 9 or 10 hours of trying to get myself to hold his hand I finally reach over and kind of put my hand on his. My heart was going to the moon and back I was so nervous what his reaction would be. There was a short ( like a few seconds) lull and it kinda seemed like he was going to lace his wonderful strong fingers into mine. but just then he moved his hand AWAY from mine and left my hand just lying there. alone and feeling stupid. I felt stupid, embarrassed  weird and most of all, stuck inside a little car with a guy who apparently dose not feel the same way about me that I do about him. The last few hours of that trip last for an eternity. I was hurting so bad but I didn't know how to express them, I was still kind of recovering from the anticipated emotions.

It was awkward. It still is. I see him and I still have feelings for him ( I'm working on getting over him) but they are still there and I can't do anything about it. He has NO idea what that night has done to me. I love him and wish that I had him in my life caring for me the same way I care about him.

On the flip side of my emotions I'm feeling so empowered right now. I now know what to expect, I KNOW that he doesn't care. I know that I can move on with out regret in the unknown. I know now that I can make the first move even though I'm not sure I can right now with this overwhelming feeling of rejection. I know that this is the low before I rise up higher than I could ever get waiting for him to open his eyes and do something.

I know now that I can't wait for someone for 5 YEARS! It's way to painful to repeat. I need to move on. It is hard but I know I can do it. I kinda wish that I had figured this out earlier. I would have been able to open my emotions to other people and not be so wrapped up in this one guy. Even though he never knew it my heart has been with him for so long it needs to figure out how to open up to other men.

thanks for reading my rantings.
~ Accommodating Artist.