A Change of Views. Moving on.

So I'm kind of cleaning up my computer and I found these 'letters' that I wrote to "Charlie". He has never seen these, but hey you guys can read them. This first on I wrote while he was gone on his mission.

Dear "Charlie",

Sorry its been so long since i wrote, i have just been lazy this summer please forgive me for being so casual in my letters. 

there is so much i want to talk to you about but its kind of hard to put it into words on a page..... i have always looked up to you in every way you make my life worth living there are some days when you are the ONLY thing that keeps me moving and doing things. you will always have a very special place in my heart because you are the only one who noticed me when i needed it the most you are very sincere in everything you do and i miss you so much you are never judgmental and you love everyone if you want i will be here for you forever and i will do anything you want i just want you to know how much i care about you.

when we went to winter formal together it was the happiest weekend in my life i was nervous about asking you and i felt like i had to ask "Jessica's" permission but i am so glad i did because you made me feel like you wanted to be with me and no one else it was the happiest nights of my life i feel you are one of the only people who understand and care about me and everything i do you are the only guy who has seen me dance ballet that knew me outside of ballet first you are the first guy i sat next to in choir and the first guy besides my brother that i rested my head on their shoulder i love you "Charlie" and i can never tell you because you will always love "Jessica" and i can never compare with her. i just wish you were here or at least knew how i felt and i wish i knew if you felt the same way to i just cant wait till you come home i miss you more than anyone i know

i think a bunch of boys are cute and certain days  i think i like someone but every time its only for a few days or sometimes even  a few hours and then i realize that they don't have what it takes because they are not you. you are perfect in the ways you need to be and i know the rest doesn't matter because its your spirit that i have fallen in love with i miss your hugs and i realize that no one has a cuter smile then yours especially when you are playing with "your neices and nephews". i know you will be the same way with your kids i hope i can be there with you when you are . oh by the way "My sister and her husband" are having a boy the due date is nov.17th i think and we are all very excited because its our first. i will wait for you for how ever long it takes because i love you and you are worth it never doubt yourself and never give up on others because all they might need is just someone to say one thing before they change for the better or for the worse i know this to be true.

thank you for being the wonderful, clean, worthy, helpful,strong,and amazing man that you are because it has made a difference in my life that wouldn't have been there if it weren't for you because no one could make me feel this good about my self i never have to worry about making my self look extra nice because i know that you don't care about that stuff i  can be good enough for you with out  all the extra stuff. please let me in your life i care about you more than you know and want to help with anything i can

i love you

"My name"

After this letter, "Jessica" got married to someone else so half of this letter doesn't really mean much. But it's the beginning to the rest of them.

"Charlie",

                I was just talking to "Ann" about your conversation with her the other day. I understand what you said about me agreeing with you a little too much. I've noticed it, I really have. But I don’t know how to express my opinions around you because I feel like I have to be perfect and say the right things around you so that will like me. I know that you will accept my opinion that’s not the reason I can’t tell you. It’s my own short-coming. Even in my own family I feel like I just agree with everyone. I just go with the flow of things, think the same things as everyone else and just live life. I do what I can to be different and be myself but I don’t think that I know enough to talk to anyone except small children. I get EXTREMELY nervous when I talk to people and especially you. Because I value your opinion of me and wouldn't want to say anything that would make you think less of me.

                I do have thoughts and ideas. I have feelings and hopes. I dream. I know that I can become something wonderful someday. But I get lonely. I need someone to share my life with and ask me what I think of things and let me think about it before I give an answer. I have to think about things for a while because I want my answer to be 100% correct. Even if it is just my opinion I want to be sure that’s how I feel about things. And think of an argument for it just in case someone questions my motives or validity. I’m much better about writing things down (like writing a letter) when trying to express my inmost feelings because I can just keep writing if I want or I can go back and think of the best way to say what I want to. 

                I care what other people think of me, I know everyone says don’t worry about it. But it’s important to me how I come across to other people. So therefore I choose my words and what I talk about very carefully. I need help talking about things and expressing my feelings on things that I don’t quite know yet. I need someone who will push me for MY opinion on something no matter how much I fight it. I need someone who will make me do things I don’t really want to do, because I know that when I try new things I usually end up loving that new thing. I am just too scared to do it by myself.

                Sometimes I feel like I come across to people as a very strong person. Like someone who doesn't need help with anything. But the truth is I portray that because it’s the exact opposite of what I feel. Because like the song says “when I fool the people I fear, I fool myself as well” I’m just faking it till I can make it. But I don’t feel like I can make it by myself.  I think that is one of the reasons I like to study why people do things (sociology) because it makes me understand more about my fear.

                I am the kind of person that will do whatever everyone else is doing, until it goes against what I believe and what I know to be right. It comes with being a middle child in a big family. Sometimes I feel like I've never had to have an opinion because I can always just fall back to what one of my siblings or parents feel. Because if that I feel insecure it what I can talk about and makes me not have an opinion even more. I don’t like to hurt other peoples feeling so even if a trivial thing comes up and I think the exact opposite of what they think I will just kind of go along with it because our friendship is more important that that trivial matter. I know that it probably wouldn't matter to them but I feel like it doesn't bother me to agree with them so why not.

                Have you ever watched the movie “Runaway Bride”? Every time I watch that movie I get this overwhelming connection with the lead character because I just agree with everyone. I know that I need someone who will make me make decisions by myself and not because of what anyone else thinks. Because that’s what I want, think, need, or feel. I like doing things the right way, even if it’s not my way, or my favorite way of doing things. I’m always looking for approval of things I do creatively. If I create something I need to know that everyone likes it, or even better if people don’t like it. I need that conflict. I sometimes feel like no one ever tells me their opinion. My mom tells me stories about her in high school how she was teased for being ugly, but sometimes I feel like that’s better than what I went through in high school because no one ever told me why they didn't like me or why I was the weird one. So I was left to speculate about what people were thinking, most of the time I thought the worst. I need people to tell me what I did wrong. What can I do better, how can I fix myself, or become a better me. I need people to tell me their thoughts. 

This letter and this weekend is what got me started blogging. Its been fun so far :) This last letter was written before the events of a few weeks ago. But it still kind of describes what I've been feeling.

Dear "Charlie",

                You mean so much to me. I don’t know what I would do if you were not a part of my life. I remember when you were on your mission I could pretend that you were thinking of me, but you probably were not. And I don’t blame you. You were on your mission you were thinking about better things. Like spreading the gospel to those people who have not heard the gospel and how you can bless their lives. But I was thinking about you. I’ve thought about you almost every day for a long time.

                I need someone who will fall madly in love with me, who will hold me and tell me that I am important in their life. I want that in my life and I don’t think you can give it to me. You heart is still in the past. I know you were very close with "Jessica", but she is married and there is someone else out there for you. You may not realize it now but as close as you were to "Jessica" is how close I feel to you. You are the only person I’ve liked and felt comfortable around. It’s weird for me and I’m still trying to figure it out.  I really care about you; in fact I think I may even love you. I can’t say because I don’t know what love feels like.

                I feel like I could hold your hand in public and not feel like I was in high school again. You are the one person I could have fell completely and utterly in love with. But because you don’t feel that way about me I don’t know if I can stick around and wait for you to figure it out. I love you too much to put myself through this torture of waiting and waiting without knowing anything.  While you were on your mission I could hold on to the letters you wrote me and imagine that you cared for me a fraction of how I felt for you. But now that your home and not writing letters back and forth. I feel lost like I don’t know you, like the person you were on your mission is gone and I’m back with the guy who was so distant before.

                I need you, "Charlie". You are my hero. You make me want to be a better person and become who I can be. I want and need to become the powerful daughter of God I was put here on earth to be. I have a dream that I have to go after.  I want someone to share it with but if I can’t have you I don’t know what I’ll do. I may just go and do it all on my own. I will miss you greatly, probably more than you will because I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I've been invested in you for many years. Back in Jr. High when you wrote in my yearbook “someday your kids will be looking through here and ask who was this guy and you’ll say I don’t remember.”  I had a small inclination then, that what you wrote would never happen because you would be sitting there next to me, with our children. And granted that may just have been my teenage heart being “twitter-pated” over every guy. But I think it was much more than that.

I love you "Charlie". You make me feel whole. I don’t know what I’ll do without you, but I guess I’ll have to figure out something.

Thanks for making these last few years wonderful, full of wonderful dreams of our future together. I hope you find someone that will make you happy and that you can make her happy as well. It will take a wonderful girl to find her way into your heart, much more amazing than me.
Have a nice life.
-"My name"

That kind of sums it up. I realize this post is really really long. But its interesting. Well I guess it is haha :)

Thanks for reading,
~Accommodating Artist