First comes Love, then comes Marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.

Ok, first off I am not in love, married, engaged, or pregnant. Just in case ya'll were thinking this was some sort of announcement. Nope. Not even close. Sorry to get your hopes up. But I have been thinking about things like that recently. I've been thinking more and more about the kind of man I would like to be my husband and a father to my children. I have thought about the sensation of 'being in love' and all that comes with it.

Well to get started, I've been watching my married siblings and friends a whole lot closer than I have ever done before. Needless  to say I am an observer so I am always watching people but it seems like the last month or so I've been watching couples and parents a little closer.
I started when I spend the night with my sister and her husband. They have been married for 3 years and have one little boy about 1 1/2 years old and are expecting another one in December. Watching my brother-in-law with his son gave me ideas on how I want to be a parent. Right now I am staying the night at my brother's house with his wife and 18 month old. The difference in parenting between my sister's house and my brother's is intriguing. My brother-in-law is very much like my dad (from what I've seen) kind of gruff, very authoritative, and very strong willed. My brother on the other hand, is affectionate, gentle, and a goof.
I kind of want to see how their two different kids will end up, because of the drastic parenting differences (its not just the parenting, ever since they were born, my two nephews have been as different as night and day) and different homes they are growing up in.

I guess this is were the sociologist in me is going to come out. But the whole Nature vs. Nature thing is going to have to come up. Can I teach my children to be the kind of kids I want them to be, or am I just going to have to work with what I get? How much control will I have over what my children are exposed to? How can I shelter them from such a wicked world and teach them everything they need to know? And who is the AMAZING man that will be able to help me raise my our children into the people we want them to be? Am I going to be able to be the kind of mom my kids need me to be?

On a different, well slightly, note. I flew to California to drive with my Aunt to Utah for a family reunion. And the drive was twelve hours so we got to talking about a lot of things. She got me to open up about boys, and tell her my dilemmas haha. There is a boy who I have known for 5+ years and have liked for the most part of those 5 years. I don't think he has ever liked me back and if he has he has never acted on it. The last few months we've been hanging out more and I really enjoy spending time with him. He has been my dream man, and I have been holding out for him to come around. All my friends say not to waste my time waiting for him, but I feel there is something that I need to stick around for. Then there is this other guy..... :) I actually met him through the first guy, and while #1 guy was on his mission for our church, (questions? click here!) I got to know #2 guy pretty good and was a little nervous about #1 guy coming home, because I didn't (and don't) know what my feelings are for sure. My aunt was listening to all this and told me to leave the 1st guy and go for the 2nd. :)

Well, I've been thinking about it for a bit. And I still don't know. The second guy is sweet and kind and musical, and I think I can picture him as a better father for my children then the first guy. One of my biggest hang up points is that I don't think I am nearly good enough for him. He is older first of all by a significant number..... and just seems more set and comfortable in life. I feel like I'm just learning everything that he has mastered. There are so many things that I have never done, that he has. I feel so young when I'm with him.
He does things like sit at the piano with me and just sing. Sing what ever for no reason at all. That alone wins him a part in my heart. I love just making music for fun. He is very passionate about the gospel, and music and even more so when they are combined. He is resourceful, imaginative, self motivated, and very fun. Wow, this sounds like I've already made up my mind. But how do I tell guy #1 that he is no longer number one? I've told him how I felt about him a few times before guy 2 ever came into the picture. And I don't feel like I can just leave with out some sort of explanation as to why I'm no longer pursuing his affections.

Well, I still don't know what to do. But hey at least I have it written down so other people can read it at make fun of how crazy I am. haha

Sayonara,
~ Accommodating Artist